You’ll need to read Part 1 for this post to make much sense. This is the continued story of my struggle with my Mother’s earth-bound spirit.
I’ve spent years working on my relationship with my Mother, both when I was with my Mother and all the years since; what I never spent much time thinking about was my Mother’s relationship to her mother.
I loved my Grandmother, but at the same time, I’ve never thought much about her. She died when I was 7, and we won’t go into that at the moment, since that is a story in and of itself. Her death is really what sent my Mother over the edge. Basically, she never recovered.
In the 1990’s a psychic told me she saw a female spirit hanging around me ~ she drew an image that had a strikingly similar appearance to my maternal Grandmother. I remember being surprised at the time, but I didn’t spend a lot of time thinking about it. I figured she felt guilty for her daughter’s horrible behavior and lack of care of me. I let it go though, and didn’t think much more about it. I have no idea where that drawing is or what might have happened to it.
After my session with Lev Natan and our discussion of my Mother’s guilt and her settling in my lungs, I meditated and contemplated, and meditated some more. Suddenly I realized that the grief that my Mother was expressing in me, was the guilt that she had failed me. Not only had she lost her Mother, but as a result, she had totally lost me.
She spent those years, mostly drunk and passed out because she didn’t want to live without her Mother. She forgot about me for the most part. Maybe she resigned to the fact that she and I would never have the same bond. What I realized, what I never really comprehended, was that she really didn’t want to live without her Mother. It wasn’t that she was a real drunk; she was grieving. Grieving over the loss of her Mother and grieving over us never achieving the same Mother Daughter bond that they shared. She never got over grieving. It was eye-opening.
The day this all came clear to me, the Universe gifted me with a piece of lapis jewelry, on our walk to the beach. When I found the pendant, I knew instantly it was a sign. As you can see, in addition to the lapis (the universal symbol of wisdom & truth), there are two small pearls. I believe in signs. I believe my Grandmother’s spirit sent that piece of jewelery to tell me that I finally understood. Those two pearls are symbolic of my mother and her mother.
I felt “she is getting close to leaving, right, to moving to the light, to moving on, to re-uniting with her Mother.” I encouraged her to leave me, and re-unite with her. After all, that’s all she really ever wanted.
A day or so later I woke up, and my first glance in the bathroom mirror I realize the gold wolf that my husband gave me years and years ago, that I have worn around my neck ever since, was gone! The gold chain that the wolf hung from, with a few beads from a bracelet that my husband also gave me were still on my neck, just the wolf was missing. Oh, I knew, instantly, that horrible woman was responsible! I moved as fast I could, (I have an artificial hip, so no running or jumping for me!) up the stairs to our bedroom, saying “No! No! No!” all way. I was really certain the wolf had been around my neck when I went to bed. Praying, praying, praying “let it be in the bed, let me find it quickly!”
I tossed back the covers, moved my pillow and YES! there it was!!! Oh, I was so happy! It was as if someone had yanked it hard off the chain ~ the split ring it hung from was totally stretched out of shape. Such force! Back downstairs I went, and straight to my jewelry box to see if I had a jump ring or another split ring, I could attach to the wolf so I could re-hang it on its chain, and right the wrong!
When I opened the lid on my jewelry box, I almost fainted. There, sitting by itself on the little sliding shelf of my jewelry box was a tiny gold heart, complete with jump ring. Gripping the edge of the counter to steady myself, I stood staring at that heart for a long time.
The gold heart that I stood staring at was a piece of jewelry from my childhood. When my husband and I married we decided to take some gold jewelry and have it melted down and made into rings for the two of us. I had my Dad’s wedding ring, and I needed a bit more gold to get two rings, so I picked a few other pieces. That small gold heart was among the pieces we used. I will swear on a bible, my Mother’s life and grave, my Grandmother’s and Father’s graves: that heart got melted down in 2002.
And yet, here it was. I knew immediately what was going on.
She wanted me to wear the little gold heart. It is from my childhood and it has meaning for her. Feeling as if I was inside an episode of The Twilight Zone, I found a chain to hang it on, and I slipped the gold heart, complete with split ring, on the chain and wore it. Then, in a stern voice, I told her I would also wear the wolf, and proceeded to put it back on the chain it belonged on.
I believe that may have been our last conversation.
Lev encouraged me to have a goodbye ceremony, so I had some conversation then, but it was just me; she was long gone, I could tell. My hair is back to its beautiful self, my lungs are clear, and all seems well.
I bless my Mother, and thank her for giving me life. I am sorry we never had the relationship she wanted. I know that everything is always perfect, and I know that everything happens for a reason. Could we have had a better life together? Maybe, maybe not. One of the problems we humans have, is we have no idea what the big picture really is. I pray she finds peace and finally gets the answers she’s looking for. I thank her for all the lessons and experiences, and recognize that everything makes me what I am today.
Thank you Dear Reader!
Shared with Great Love, Namaste’
❤ LAMP ❤
P.s. I welcome your comments and questions!